You Are Not a Generic Nominal Form

I have a pet-peeve, and it’s consultants. I don’t have issue with them as people, nor with the job they perform. I have a problem with the words “I am a consultant” (networking in Boston produces these words often). It’s a conversational road-block.

Consultant? Whom do you consult, and what do you consult them on? Mothers on baby-sign-language technique? Dog owners on proper grooming? Poorly dressed nerds on passable fashion? Jack Bauer on the latest forbidden interrogation techniques?

I suppose analysts analyze anything, laborers labor liberally, and programmers program precipitously.

No, I’d really prefer we weren’t casting ourselves as ‘verb-ers’; I think the world would be much more interesting, and descriptive, if we were 'outcome-ers’. So if the product of your work is an actionable marketing strategy, then you are a marketing strategy consultant. If the product of your research is science pertaining to rockets, then you are, in fact, a rocket scientist.

I’d be happy to help any of my readers transform the action of their work into a non-conversation killing description of their contribution to society.